January 4, 2014--Boston, Massachusetts.
Local wife and mother Samantha Liang stated at a press conference this evening that she does not negotiate with toddlers. This statement comes mere hours after dinner, during which Liang's 3 year old daughter, Emma, refused to eat her vegetables.
"I am the sole owner and distributor of desserts in this household," said Liang. "All I require is that the other members of my household eat two good bites of whatever vegetable is served. Failure to eat vegetables will result in the withholding of dessert." When asked if her monopoly over desserts gave her an unfair advantage in negotiations, she replied, "It does give me an advantage, but not an unfair one. I do not negotiate with toddlers. To conciliate differences with a child without them eating their vegetables is sacrifice my position as a parent and reduce me to merely the tallest person in the house."
Most have taken these terms set in stride, eating "two good bites" or more of vegetables at every meal. Two good bites, our sources confirm, is approximately two tablespoons. In a protest demonstration this evening, however, one toddler chewed the same bite of kale for almost 6 minutes, trying at least once to spit it out and feed it to the dog. Eventually she caved into pressure from local authorities and swallowed the leafy green. She was then allowed to have applesauce, in accordance with Liang's terms of distribution.